Cleaned and plenty of missing dialog added by Tronar
Ladies and gentlemen,
the highlight of today's fundraiser,
Senator and Mrs. Louis Laffer.
Bravo. Bravo.
Team Laffer still got it.
And next is one of synchronized swimming's
toughest moves...
a side layout platform lift.
Ladies and gentlemen, the grand finale!
Bravo.
Oh, my stars.
Who talked us into this, Louise?
You did, dear.
Well, don't listen to me.
Who tries a side layout platform lift at our age?
Someone who still rocks his Speedo like you do.
Well, seriously folks, I'd like to thank our hosts,
Stan and Jan, so much for lending us their beautiful pool
for this campaign fun-raiser, as I like to call them.
- He's bleeding. - It reminds...
Uh, I guess I have
to wrap things up... apparently I'm bleeding.
Oh! Yikes.
Water ballet ain't for sissies, folks.
Well, thank you all for coming.
I appreciate your support.
Hey, guys.
Oh, Van.
Oh, my goodness, look who's here, Louis.
Van, what are you doing here?
Chance to see you two back in action, worth every penny.
Julie, this is Van Pingree, one of our synchro-mates
at Brigham Young. This is our Julie.
It's a pleasure, sir.
Your boss and I had some good times back in the day.
I was just telling that TV reporter all about them.
- TV reporter? - Yeah.
Shelby? What's he doing here?
Well, the race has blown up, sir,
ever since Penn Jillette declared.
Wh... what'd you tell him?
Oh, just about those locker room stunts
we used to pull back in the day.
Stunts? There were stunts?
Don't worry, little giant,
you'll get a chance to tell Shelby your side of the story
when it's time for your interview.
I'm not worried. What would I be worried about?
I mean, some so-called stunts? Please.
So ever since I came forward with my story,
my life has really changed.
So just to be clear, your story is that
you intentionally knocked over the lamp
to make Senator Guzman look good.
Right.
- And who told you to do this? - Well, it's in my book,
so I can't tell you who.
But it goes really far up, I can tell you that much.
You wrote a whole book on this.
No, but I have the title.
It's a 1000 Watts in your face, bitch:
Gaffing the Truth:
Why Things Got Like This.
It's got two colons, so you know it's going to be smart.
Well, we have that to look forward to...
What a bad man.
Why would they tell such a story, Andy?
He's disgruntled.
He was fired for incompetence.
What is disgruntled?
It means he's being an asshole.
Now I have to have a press conference
to tell my side of the story.
Oh, no. I'm gonna be late for work.
You're already at work, Marta.
Doesn't mean I can be late.
It's not professional.
Excuse me.
Good morning, Senator Bettencourt.
You have heard of knocking, huh, Marta?
They have that in Croatia?
Sorry, sir, I'm late for work.
I have to be downstairs in four minutes.
You can't get a note or something from Andy?
D... d... door.
Good morning, renters. First of the month.
- I'm good for it. - Me too.
No, you're not. You've bounced two checks.
That was during the government shutdown.
I refused my pay, and donated to charity.
- Sue me. - It remains an option.
I need checks from you both tonight.
What charity?
I don't know, something with dogs.
One of Adriana's causes.
Speaking of your fiancé, Andy.
Aren't you living life a little dangerously these days?
What am I gonna do?
If I don't get laid twice a day, I get headaches.
- Like, throbbing. - Uh-huh.
What's throbbing?
Seriously, it's an actual condition.
I have to have sex prophylactically.
It's like a curse.
Then see a trained professional, man.
Y... y... you're courting disaster.
It's a little early for that, don't you think, dear Marta?
Sorry, sir.
You know, the car's already here.
I'm working from home today.
You're working from home again, seriously?
People work from home.
Robert, we're politicians. We don't work from home.
Every day we suck it up, we go into the office,
and we meet with lobbyists. It's what we do.
And we don't lie around for weeks
moaning about how screwed up our personal life is.
Why?
Because we don't have one.
- I did. - No, you didn't.
You never went home, and you never missed your wife
until she divorced you.
You got that right, man. My ex-wife?
Never looked better than the night she left.
She had me at good-bye.
Both of you are such great comfort.
Might be right, buddy.
May be time to get back in the game.
I mean, I'm no expert on affairs of the heart, but...
You are.
You're the Love Doctor.
So, physician, heal thyself.
How long you been saving that one?
Not that long.
See y'all later. Come on, Buster.
When you're ready for a reboot,
you let me know, amigo. I got a couple ladies
that'd be happy to make you happy.
Must be so nice to be engaged.
And to not pay rent.
And have a spare girlfriend.
Who also doesn't pay rent.
Yes, I've got a lot on my chest.
Is he watching this? Is he watching this?
I'm not sure, ma'am. I'm headed into his office now.
Oh, yes, ma'am, he's watching it.
I have great respect for Coach Biggs,
and after everything he accomplished at U.N.C.,
he deserved a rest.
But the United State Senate is not a retirement home.
- It's not a place to kick back... - Oh, for fuck's sakes.
While the rest of the country is crying out
- for strong leadership. - Ugh.
It's time for Coach Biggs to move aside...
and let a proven leader step forward.
Why is he calling you "Coach Biggs"?
You're a sitting senator, for Christ's sake.
Just as I did when I volunteered to defend
this country after 9/11.
How many nights did that boy sit in our living room,
watching our big screen, drinking our beer, and eating
our takeout like he was one of our own?
We even let him date our only attractive daughter.
Before she was ready!
And this is our repayment? Gil John, this can not stand.
It won't, Maddie. We're gonna hit him hard.
I got a meeting with the Watt Brothers this morning.
What the hell is that racket?
Ugh, Billy's crew is back. It's the renovation from hell.
Tammy, make sure the senator's on time for that meeting.
Yes, ma'am, I will.
We're headed out now.
Gil John, you make sure you tell the Watts
what a snake Leland's been.
They don't care about that, Maddie.
It's not personal for them, they just want
to lock up the "sen".
What...
Out of range, sir.
Fucking... goddamn...
You better walk it back and see what she wants.
Yes, sir. Good luck.
And don't forget about the mark up at 5:00.
Oh, and Senator, your daughter called.
Her reality show is coming to town next week.
One nightmare at a time, girl.
Good time, sir?
For what?
The briefing. Armed Services hearing?
Oh, of course.
Okay. I've organized the witness profiles with dividers.
The tabs are color-coded the way you like them.
- Any orange tabs? - Of course not, sir.
You think I'm neurotic. Having an unlucky color.
No, sir, it's no problem at all.
Not when there are so many other great colors to choose from.
Julie... That interview with Shelby next week...
Sir, I wouldn't worry about that.
Shelby's your biggest fan.
Well, when he wrote for the Reno Paper, sure.
But he's with KPVK now.
They're more hard-hitting.
It's just... local news, sir.
But he could be in the hunt for youthful indiscretions.
He could ask about my synchro days, my male teammates,
that sort of thing.
Seriously, this is just a simple profile.
The past is never simple, Julie.
Never mind.
Military service that needs my attention.
Let's start with the purple witness.
Okay, that would be Army Colonel Eugene Drake,
and he'll be testifying
about lifting the ban on transgender troops.
Transgender troops?
Not on my watch.
Any last-minute advice?
Tell the truth. It's easier to keep track of.
Don't worry about telling the truth.
Just focus on not lying.
Unless you have no choice.
Then you damn well better sell it.
Thank you all.
Good morning.
I've come here today to apologize
to everyone who watched my rebuttal
to the president's immigration speech last fall.
For those of you who missed it, the rest of the nation saw
a TV light topple over, narrowly missing me by inches.
Let me be clear.
I cannot and will not apologize for not flinching
in the face of danger.
But I will apologize for the behavior of Greg Latour,
the gaffer who pushed that lamp over in a misguided effort
to showcase my intrepidity,
coincidentally, a quality we look for in our presidents.
Nice.
Mr. Latour's conduct was totally unacceptable,
which is why my chief of staff, Katherine Sims,
terminated his employment
immediately following the incident.
And under the bus I go.
Let me be clear. This gaffe by a known gaffer
was unknown to me.
Senator, are you saying you had no knowledge
of the staged accident in advance?
Let me put it this way, Chuck.
This is not Benghazi. No lives were lost, thank God.
And frankly, we don't know the whole Benghazi story,
so it would be inappropriate for me to comment any further.
- Bill. - Can I follow up, Senator...
No, you may not, Chuck.
I will not insult the memory of four dead American heroes
by comparing the Benghazi tragedy to a lighting accident.
Mr. Latour says that you cooked the whole thing up.
- Okay, let's wrap this up. - Well, that would follow
a pattern and go all the way back
to when Mr. Latour and I were back in high school.
Frankly, I'm sure he felt some resentment towards
star athletes like myself.
- Did you know him? - Not personally.
We didn't attend the same school.
But if we had, I wouldn't have known him from Adam.
My duties as class president kept me very busy.
Any more questions?
Yes, Kerry.
Wow, Senator. Love the soundtrack.
What's he saying?
He's lamenting that the love of his life
has left him for another man.
He does sound like he's in a lot of pain.
He chases away his rival, Silvio, but he's too far gone.
So Canio plays the clown to root out the lovers.
And then he...
he kills her with a table knife.
So...
So that's my story.
How is it your story?
You plan on shanking your ex-wife?
Not literally, you pinhead.
I'm talking about the emotional truth of the libret...
What the fuck are you doing here?
Okay, so I'm sorry to bother you, sir,
but here's the thing. Your opponent?
The enormously popular ex-governor Ed Rendell?
Well, he's crisscrossing the state within four,
five well-attended events a day.
Whereas you have spent the last two weeks
in your underwear, listening to a dead Italian
sing about stabbing his slutty girlfriend.
Slutty?
Good afternoon.
Senator.
What is it, Marta?
Can I keep anything I find in the couch?
When a falling TV lamp nearly kills
a major presidential candidate, you have to ask yourself,
who stands to benefit?
Rand Paul?
Ted Cruz?
Well, the evidence just isn't there yet,
which is why a full investigation
is under serious consideration.
Any more questions?
Raymond?
Oh, no, thanks, Senator, I'm good.
Listen to me, you dumb, leaking piece of shit.
The next time you source me directly like that,
swear to God, I'm going to come to your house
and personally tear off your scrotum.
Can I get you some lunch, Senator?
- No, no thanks, I'm good. - Look, Marty, I gotta go.
Give my best to Laurie and the girls...
Right, yeah.
See you in Palm Springs. You hungry, Senator?
No, actually I'm a little pressed for time...
Pack him up a pastrami on rye to go
with a pickled herring side.
Yes, sir, Mr. Watt.
So tell me, Senator, about this liberal prick
who's challenging you.
Well, he used to play basketball for me at U.N.C.
- I made him a star. - Made him a star, how?
By giving him lots of minutes in uncompetitive games.
A lot more playin' time than his skills deserved.
Why the fuck would you do that?
He was fan bait. That S.O.B. had flair.
He was also good-looking, humble, and polite.
He filled a lot of seats.
Fill any seats in your fake classes for your players?
- No, that wasn't me. - Of course it wasn't,
but phony academic credits could be an angle.
Fuck! Look at the ass on this one.
Hoo, nice.
Security drone... we're testing them in our Reno casinos.
Oh, no, Leland didn't take any of those classes.
He was a physics/philosophy double major, and ROTC.
Became a ranger, did three tours and won the Medal of Honor.
Ooh, so he's a big fucking deal.
Yeah, he is.
- He's a war hero. - Was a war hero.
What do you mean?
You don't need to know what my brother means.
You need our help in North Carolina.
That's where the conversation ends, Senator.
We're gonna be dropping a shitload of dark money
on ads, and the rules say we can't coordinate.
Well, I don't want to coordinate.
But I do want to keep it about the issues.
There's only one issue.
Freedom.
Unregulated markets.
Keeping government's overreaching hands out of our pants.
Richie, there's an asshole at table 43.
Just palmed some dealer chips.
Bald, green shirt. Yeah, him.
Ho-kay, well, I'm gonna get going.
Leave everything to us, Senator.
And you don't need to thank us. We know you're grateful.
Shelley, Saul.
- Don't forget your "sangwich". - No, no, do it in the meat locker.
Where no one can hear him.
Do whatever you want. Go with your heart.
What was Brigham Young like?
May I ask why you ask, Shelby?
Well, it's a Mormon university,
so I think most people imagine
that it's a pretty buttoned-down environment.
It was.
Nothing went on at Brigham Young.
Ever.
Well, that's not what your old friend and teammate,
Van Pingree told me. He said that you guys
had some pretty crazy times on the swim team.
He's lying.
Louis, Van never bore false witness in his life.
He's joking, Shelby.
Could we take a break here?
I could use some water.
Sure. Let's cut.
You okay?
Oh, I'm... I'm fine. Just a little dehydrated.
Throwing me off my game.
You're doing great, Senator.
Shelby's your bitch.
Excuse me?
You own him, sir. Bring it on home.
Is he okay?
Oh, he's fine, Senator.
All right, people, we're back in.
Sorry to hear about Mrs. Bettencourt, sir.
Good luck with the, you know...
healing process.
Okay, sir. So a moment ago,
we were talking about your old teammate, Van Pingree.
Okay, I know what you're going after here, Shelby,
so let's just get it out there.
Sir?
There... were... a couple of times,
five, six at the most,
when...
Honey?
When...
When what, little giant? Be brave.
God forgives you.
When just before a bank meet... in order to get psyched up...
to give us an edge...
Van and I did...
Coffee.
Coffee?
Coffee. We did it black.
I'm not proud of it.
Church forbids drinking coffee.
But we were under a lot of pressure.
It was Van's idea.
I don't blame him.
I... I take full responsibility.
And I hope you're happy.
Happy about what, sir?
With your "gotcha" journalism.
Another notch in your gun, ey?
Drinking coffee isn't exactly a big story.
Oh, but having a handsome teammate is?
Um, you know what, Senator?
Why don't we stop for now?
I think we've got enough, right? Yeah.
And don't worry, Senator, we won't use
the part about the coffee.
Whoo.
Leland Grimmel is not who you think he is.
I served with Leland Grimmel.
I served with someone I believed to be Leland Grimmel.
Leland Grimmel has not been honest...
About what happened in Afghanistan.
- He's lying... - About his record of fighting.
Afterwards, Leland lied to get his first bronze star.
- Oh... - I saw it, I was there.
Well, I wasn't, but a close buddy of mine was.
- When the chips were down... - Leland Grimmel is no...
War hero.
I was there. I saw it.
Fit for duty, are you... are you kidding me?
Troops for Truth is responsible
for the content of this ad.
I was there.
Fuck me in a handcart.
They swift-boated him, didn't they, sir?
Yes, Tammy, they swift-boated him.
I can't believe it.
- Get me Leland on the phone. - Yes, sir.
So I asked Dilly to track the Gaffergate press conference.
Otherwise, I wouldn't have. I'm very busy.
Yes, Dilly's been working on the election in Norway.
Finland. So the senator's
press conference was widely unwatched until the second hour,
and then, apparently the length of it became a web curiosity,
and then your live feed went viral, so by hour three,
your audience had grown by a factor of 14.6.
So instead of stamping out the last spark
of interesting Gaffergate, I... reignited it.
Yeah, Gaffergate is now your second-worst trending negative.
What's my worst?
No, I would rather not say.
The senator's very interested in what you have to tell him.
Uh...
The public perception that you are a sex addict.
- What? - Okay, I got to go,
we've just pulled out of my comfort zone,
and I really gotta write this TED talk before I go to Finland.
It's all very important.
Sex addict?
I am sorry. Good-bye. Okay.
Sex addict?
You have a very public history.
People think you're the next John Edwards.
No campaign wants to be put through that nightmare.
What nightmare? I'm getting married,
- for God's sake. - Which'll just make it worse
if you're busted again. Right now, nobody cares
if you're doing your housekeeper.
How'd you know about that?
All it took for me to flush out your latest bimbo
was a lucky guess.
And your housekeeper... she's not. An illegal.
She won't be. I'm working on it.
You're sleeping with your undocumented cleaning lady
while you plan your second marriage,
the first having blown up
because you slept with half of Miami.
You make it sound so...
sketchy.
Okay, so what should I do?
Get help.
Don't you think I've tried?
- When? - Periodically.
Okay, I gotta go.
And I'm not ducking this, I promise.
I know I have to change. And I will.
I can cut back.
- Any word yet? - No, sir.
His staff just keeps telling me that Colonel Grimmel
is out campaigning and unreachable.
No one's unreachable. Keep trying.
And put him through on my cell as soon as you get him.
Yes, sir.
Oh, and set up a meeting with the Watts.
We gotta get them to pull down that ad.
We are not supposed to be coordinating with the...
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Abby, you and your sisters have been through this for real.
You guys grew up in the public eye.
Sure, we were in the limelight a lot of the time,
but we didn't have cameras all over our house.
I cannot imagine how difficult that would be.
Me neither. We're going to find out
what it's like in a second, when the cycle returns.
Show sounds really exciting, you guys, tell us about it.
Okay, so the show is called Real Daughters of D.C.
It's with me and Charity
and then some other girls who are less well-known
- but super nice. - Super nice.
And the idea came from me and Charity just talking,
which we do all the time.
- We so do. - And we were just saying
there's nothing on TV like us, like, millennials.
Because we really care about partying, obvi.
But we're also all about causes, you know?
Like in one episode, we get all waste-y face,
but then go work at Planned Parenthood for a day.
- Mm-hmm. - Sounds amazing.
What do your dads think of all this?
- Well mine... - Not sure. But watch out...
you know, I mean, everybody knows about the famous
Gil John Biggs temper. Well, I've got one too,
and let me tell you, our fights are seriously epic.
I mean, our relationship is like Shakespeare-like.
Like he's like King Lear and I'm like... Princess Lear.
And so there's gonna be tons of drama.
Oh, especially when we take home those skeezy dudes
who try to get with us.